I always attract emotionally unavailable partners. I desire real connection. I have done real inner work. What is wrong with me?
A client said this to me.
I responded:
There is nothing wrong with you. Let me ask you a few questions:
When you experience real connection and consistency, even if only in small moments, how do you feel?
Really uncomfortable. I usually sabotage the connection to avoid it.
Ok, why do you think that is?
I don’t believe I am worthy of it.
So, when you are with someone who is emotionally unavailable, while the experience is very painful, can you see that what you are doing is avoiding that uncomfortable feeling of having all the attention on you?
What do you mean by this Lorin, I am not sure I understand…
Well, if they are emotionally available, then the focus will be on you. They will see you fully. You will have all this attention, consistency, this connection and safety you say you desire. How does that feel in your body?
A bit uncomfortable. I get nervous.
That is exactly what you are avoiding when you stay in connection with emotionally unavailable partners.
Ok but why? Why am I doing this? Why am I like this? I see your point but I just don’t understand why?
Because it feels more comfortable to hide yourself in a connection with someone who is not available, than a connection where you are fully seen. If they are the one who is not available then the focus is on them. How to change them. Getting them to open up. This means there is less focus on you. You don’t actually have to allow yourself to be fully seen. Only if you allow yourself to be fully seen, and make space for everything to arise that will arise, only then can you receive the love you seek.
Ouch. You are right. This hits me.
While being in connection or relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable feels very painful, the other end of the spectrum – being fully seen – might feel even more uncomfortable!
You cannot have intimacy and deep connection without being fully seen.
And the same actually applies in creating abundance, in your career, in stepping fully into your soul’s calling.
Think about the person who has a message inside them, work they know they’re meant to bring into the world. They keep it small. Because being fully seen for it stirs the same fear as being loved well.
The same happens with a promotion they’ve earned. They want it, but staying in the background feels safer than being watched.
And the same happens with their soul’s calling. They know the path meant for them, but staying unseen feels safer than fully stepping into it.
This pattern of staying hidden was learned in childhood. It is the mother wound.
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The love you keep looking for