Why do you keep attracting intimate partners who reject you? When I use the word ‘reject’ I am not only referring to someone breaking up with you, or being unwilling to accept you as you are. I am also referring to more subtle expressions of feeling rejected and abandoned, such as, your partner leaving the room or threatening to walk away from the relationship every time you encounter conflict or tension together, or them shutting down and withdrawing their love when you express yourself vulnerably.
Often what lies at the core as to why you attract partners who reject or abandon you, is a subconscious belief that ‘you always get rejected or abandoned by those you love’. One of the many ways this belief might have become ingrained into your subconscious is that you have experienced abandonment, physically, or emotionally, from your parents or from a role model when you were only a child.
But not all wounds stem from our childhood. I recently worked with a client who didn’t feel any fear of rejection or abandonment her entire life until she experienced a tragic loss as an adult. Or, a client who has been cheated on in adulthood and now is afraid of this happening again, yet if we look deeper what the cheating embodies is a deep form of rejection and abandonment.
If you believe at a deeper level that you are not worthy of someone accepting and loving you as you are, then there is a high chance you will attract partners who mirror this to you in some capacity. At the worst level this could mean being cheated on, a sudden painful break-up, and at a more subtle level it can be that every time there is conflict in your relationship your partner threatens to leave, or talks about ending the relationship. Even if they don’t say it in these exact words, you might feel them with one foot in the relationship and with one foot out of it during tension-filled or challenging moments.
Now, you can break the cycle, by speaking your truth and setting clear boundaries. However, most people who have this limiting belief, unconsciously try everything in their power to not get rejected or abandoned, even if it means completely bending their truth, compromising their heart’s values, and going against what they feel is right for them. This creates a cycle of the wound and fear of rejection constantly being strengthened and perpetuated.
This is how wounds continue to fester. This is how the cycle continues. It can only end with you. Usually healing only happens when you are truly done with feeling that way. When you are so acutely aware of it, and the suffering has taken a dimension where it can no longer be ignored. This is actually a good sign. Only when we are truly done with something do we have the fire and inner drive to create change. Change requires courage, it requires consistency, it requires deep devotion. And this deep devotion to create lasting change lacks in people who are not truly ‘done with it’, who are not aware of the suffering it creates for them, how severely it limits them, and still find ways to escape from it, to numb themselves.
When numbing and escapism no longer works (which is good!) then people usually feel anger or even strong disgust towards their situation. This of course can lead to a spiral of shame and even more emotional pain. Or it can be used as fuel to break through the negativity, to muster courage within, even if only temporarily.
So, my question to you is: Are you done with this cycle at a deeper level? Are you willing to devote yourself to your highest truth unwaveringly? Will you give this your full focus in your healing journey?
If you want to heal your fear of rejection or abandonment, click here to see my upcoming training courses or click here to access past recordings.
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