50% of my coaching inquiries sound like this; “My business is working great, I feel on purpose, my life is beautiful, however, when it comes to my intimate relationships, I face catastrophic disaster. I just don’t understand why and I am so tired of experiencing this pain.” I can really relate to this because that is exactly what I have experienced for so many years in my life.
At the deepest level we yearn to be touched, to be witnessed. As the feminine you want to be fucked into supreme bliss and feel safe in your surrender. As the masculine you want to penetrate the world and thereby the feminine with your mission and depth of consciousness. This deep desire is not an illusion the mind creates, or a way of looking for approval; it is the healthiest and most spiritual desire we can ever have. Anyone who says that you have to transcend such a desire is a gigantic fool because it is the joy of being human.
The issue is not the desire itself, the issue is that this deep and profound desire gets mixed with all our wounds and childhood trauma. A highly traumatized, emotionally unavailable person does not want to constantly withdraw and shut down, at the deepest level what they want is the same like everyone else; to love freely and to be loved for who they are in their deepest essence.
We don’t end up in dysfunctional relationships because we desire deep intimacy, we end up in them because we are willing to compromise, to suffer, in order to experience a taste of having our core desire being fulfilled. But a taste, a small glimpse, is not something to settle for. It’s nothing to hold on to, to give up your courageous path towards the highest and most enlightened intimacy.
In order to do the healing and deep work around this you NEED to have empathy and understanding for this deep and profound yearning. If you bypass it, dismiss it, it will create even more havoc because it will express itself through your shadow. Instead, you own it fully. You surrender your egoic need to be invincible, the desire to not need anyone, to be a lone wolf. You own that you want to fuck. You own that you want to be touched. You own that you want to cry in your partner’s lap and to be safely held.
And when your heart opens toward this deep desire, you will feel its origin, its purity, its innocence. Whenever you compromise, settle for something less than you know to be your authentic truth, remember that the universe has instilled your yearning for a reason; to create, or invite the most profound, passionate and enlightened intimacy that is available to you in this unique human experience.