One of my men’s coaching clients once said to me,
“Lorin, how do I hold space for her? I just don’t get it. No matter what I do, I somehow fail.”
I paused, looked at him, and said,
“Of course you fail. Because the harder you try to figure this out, the less you are holding space.”
Silence.
“What do you mean?”
I mean this:
The moment you are trying to get somewhere, fix something, manage her experience, improve the moment, or achieve an outcome, you have already abandoned your presence.
And the feminine feels that immediately.
To her nervous system, your effort does not feel like care, rather it feels like pressure. It feels like a burden.
“So what am I supposed to do?” he asked.
Nothing.
“You are supposed to do absolutely nothing.”
He laughed nervously.
“Nothing? I don’t even know how to do nothing.”
Exactly.
So I asked him a deeper question.
“Who are you when you do nothing?”
He didn’t answer right away.
Finally, he said,
“I feel insecure. I feel useless. Like I’m not enough if I’m not solving something.”
And I said,
“Good. Now we’re at the truth.”
Because a man who cannot stand in his own presence without performing, fixing, or proving will never feel safe to the feminine heart.
Not because his intentions are negative, but because his presence is conditional.
It is restless.
It is subtly asking her to be different so he can feel adequate.
That is not holding space.
That is the little boy within him wanting to feel needed, special, validated.
Here is what every man needs to be aware of:
As long as holding space is a task you are trying to succeed at, she will feel unseen.
As long as her emotions feel like a problem you need to handle correctly, she will feel alone.
As long as your worth is tied to doing something right, your true presence cannot shine forth.
This is where men struggle.
When there is no checklist,
when there is no strategy,
when there is nothing to improve,
when you are asked to simply stand,
to stand in presence, to stand in power, to stand in stillness like a mountain.
Here, the little boy surfaces,
Here, unworthiness rises,
Here, the impulse to escape, explain, fix, dominate, withdraw, or collapse appears.
And this is precisely the threshold where masculine embodiment is forged.
In the nervous system,
in the body,
in direct, uncompromising presence.
This is the work.
If you’re ready to go deeper, click here to see my upcoming training courses or click here to access past recordings.
