I work with men day in and day out, whether in my private coaching practice or in groups I host. And I can tell you this:
The majority of men who shut down or emotionally retreat in a relationship have a deep loving heart. A sensitivity that has been buried in the past.
Men who shut down are often written off as avoidants who simply don’t care. Pop psychology has a lot to say about this. What I see in my work tells a different story.
Behind a man who shuts down in important moments is a man who is overwhelmed. By life, by responsibilities, by pain flooding his system.
To be more precise: what is usually happening is a shame response. Shame is flooding his system.
And there is a big difference between shame and guilt.
Guilt says: I have done something wrong.
Shame says: There is something wrong with me.
When a man shuts down, he is most likely feeling that he is a failure. That he cannot even control his own emotions. The system freezes. He retreats emotionally in an attempt to protect himself from pain that feels unbearable in that moment.
I know this state intimately. I spent years buried in shame, with a mind that told me repeatedly I was worthless and would always be abandoned by those I love. I have come a long way. Everything is possible.
What makes this experience so challenging in relationships is twofold:
The man does not understand what is happening inside him.
And the woman, or their partner, feels abandoned and tries harder to reach him. With each attempt that does not draw him closer, they grow more frustrated.
So now he feels even more shame. The shame says: See, you are a failure. You cannot get anything right.
This is so deep, so unconscious, that usually there is zero conscious awareness of what is actually happening.
Because if there were, this can absolutely be resolved in the moment. It just takes two honest, loving, aware human beings.
He says: Baby, I am feeling shame right now. You can probably feel it already. I am going through something. I love you.
She says: Thank you for sharing this with me. I love you.
In that moment, the shame has been witnessed. It cannot pull its tricks or create more havoc, because the direct experience becomes: it is safe to feel this. Nothing is broken. No disaster is coming.
In fact, most women deeply want a man to reveal his vulnerable heart, without him losing accountability for himself. It makes women feel more connected, respect him more, and brings love to the parts inside him he believed he had to hide.
But none of this can happen without awareness that the shame response has been activated. Without that awareness, it plays out an unconscious script as old as time:
He shuts down. She makes it about herself. She tries harder to reach him. He feels more shame and shuts down further. She feels confirmed in: he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t care. He feels confirmed in: I am not enough. There is something wrong with me. More shame. More of the same.
There are more steps to working through this. And I have recorded a new in-depth podcast episode on exactly this: Why Men Shut Down (What is Really Happening).
Free to listen. 20 minutes. Whether you are a man or a woman, this one will land deeply for you.
Click here to listen on Spotify
Click here to listen on Apple Podcasts
Click here to watch on YouTube
If you’re ready to go deeper, click here to see my upcoming training courses or click here to access past recordings.