Why Abandonment Can Feel Like Death

Abandonment actually feels like death, and there’s research to prove it.

Neuroscientists at UCLA ran an experiment where people played a simple ball tossing game while their brains were scanned. When they were excluded from the game, the exact same part of the brain that lights up during physical pain lit up again. Turns out that rejection and a broken bone register in the same place.

And there is a very good reason for that. If we go back in time far enough, being cast out of the tribe meant death. No group meant no protection, no food, no chance of survival. Our nervous system never got the memo that things have changed. It still treats being abandoned, or even the fear of it, as a threat to our very existence.

And this is the key. It is one thing to be abandoned, and another, to feel abandoned. This doesn’t mean the feeling is wrong, but often, there is a wound to be explored.

My father’s three year battle with cancer led to a deep fear of abandonment within me. I experienced the fear of losing him slowly, step by step until he was gone, as an intense pain.

A clean ending is painful, but it gives you something to move on from, a level of clarity. Slow abandonment and rejection in small steps can sometimes feel worse.

When you don’t receive a text message back.

When the other doesn’t reciprocate your smile.

When your bid for connection is unanswered.

All these moments are instances of micro abandonment. Micro forms of being rejected. They are a normal part of life, because to be human is to be imperfect. Even the two most conscious beings would micro abandon each other in small imperfect moments.

These moments feel unbearable if in your childhood you experienced emotional or physical abandonment by a parent or caregiver.

Something inside you is constantly scanning and asking itself: am I at risk of being abandoned, at risk of being rejected right now? When the answer is no, there is a sense of relief, but it is short lived, because at any moment the response could be ‘yes’, and then, panic arises from within.

At one point my fear of abandonment was so bad that it left me shaking and crying. I felt embarrassed about how little control I had over my body, how despite being aware of what was going on, I couldn’t seem to stop the anxiety and panic from welling up inside me. But my own journey is proof that you can heal this from within. 

Relationships can be the greatest source of fulfillment, but also the greatest source of suffering if we live in and operate from a place of deep fear.

Healing begins by working with the small moments. If you start by focusing on the big picture, the fear of abandonment as a whole, you may be overwhelmed.

How to practice:

Say you face a situation where a bid for connection goes unanswered. They don’t text back. They don’t reciprocate your smile. They don’t seem interested in hearing about your day. And in that moment, you bring your attention inwards.

What is happening right now in your body? What can you feel? Can you hold that part of yourself?

Let it be there. Notice it without judgment. Be there for yourself. At first this can feel unnatural, but with time, you learn to hold space for yourself. And you cannot help but feel a sense of warmth, a sense of love in your lower belly, where once the feeling of total annihilation lived.

Shame says: I shouldn’t be experiencing this. There is something wrong with me.

Connection says: Stay in your heart. Don’t leave your heart. Whatever you experience is welcome here.

If you’re ready to go deeper, click here to see my upcoming training courses or click here to access past recordings.