In this feature for The Sun, relationship coach and author Lorin Krenn explains how cultural stories about romance can condition people to confuse intensity, inconsistency, and emotional tension with real love. He notes that films, music, and literature often equate suffering with devotion — and over time, the nervous system can learn to experience emotional unpredictability as “chemistry,” even when it becomes exhausting and destabilizing.
Lorin breaks down the “bad boy allure” as a pattern where emotional unavailability creates heightened alertness that gets mistaken for attraction. He emphasizes that chasing someone inconsistent can temporarily soothe old wounds around abandonment or rejection, but ultimately erodes self-worth and trust. He also distinguishes true emotional safety from “settling,” explaining that secure love feels grounded and calm — while settling feels numb, resigned, and disconnected from growth.
The article highlights how breaking these patterns requires self-awareness, stronger boundaries, and rebuilding self-worth so attraction shifts toward emotional steadiness, respect, and genuine connection.