Perfection was my bare minimum

I grew up believing I was worthless.

I was truly under the impression that, at my core, I was unlovable. There are many reasons for this, and I won’t go into them today, because I’m telling you this story so you can see yourself in it.

Nothing I did ever felt like enough. When I achieved something, I shrugged it off and moved straight on to the next quest without a single moment of celebration.

My emotional wounds from childhood trauma set a self-expectation bar that was impossible to reach. The margin for error was practically zero, and every time I fell short, it confirmed my old belief that I wasn’t good enough.

I did not hold myself to the standards of a regular human being. I had to be more. Imperfections weren’t allowed, mistakes were unacceptable, and total perfection was the bare minimum.

Without realizing it, my old pain had created conditions, definitions, and a whole world where I could only ever feel one thing: never good enough.

And I was a co-participant in this. I am not responsible for the wounds that were baked into my childhood. However, I am responsible for the world I create today and where I put my energy.

I created a world where I could never feel like I was enough, no matter how much love, abundance, or success knocked on my door.

And I’m far from the only one who has done this.

Most of us have created prisons of our own. We adopt conditions, set impossible bars, and chase a version of ourselves that might not even exist. So the question is: Is our self-perception actually true? Are these facts, or are they based on old programming, on interpretations we made when we were young, wounded, and didn’t know better?

The hardest part about acting out of our wounds is that we unconsciously create a world where we feel the same pain again and again.

The mind points at every painful moment and calls it evidence. The truth is that we created the conditions, the stories, and the decisions that could only ever lead to the same conclusion.

Let’s look at a direct example.

Someone struggling with people-pleasing tendencies might take on the responsibilities of those around them. Eventually they can’t cope with the mental and emotional load, and start to feel resentful about all they carry. And what do they feel underneath it? An old emotion: I am not good enough.

But is that even true? Or have they created the conditions and the path, and set the only direction possible: not good enough?

You can apply this to so many ways of living, being, and existing that people have adopted unconsciously.

So let me ask you: What world are you creating for yourself? Do you treat yourself with kindness and compassion, or do you stay loyal to an old belief?

And what if you changed the conditions? What if you took a closer look at the bar you’ve set for yourself? Does it allow you to be human, to simply be you?

In my own healing, I’ve had the privilege to experience many moments where I felt seen, loved, and witnessed for exactly who I am. Especially by my wonderful wife. Those moments taught me to soften my armor and change the conditions I had unconsciously created for myself. But of course, I’m still learning, as we all are.

If there is one experience I could place into every human heart, it would be this: the feeling of being loved, seen, and cherished just as you are. 

That is the medicine we all need, and in one way or another, it’s what we’re all looking for.

For so many of us, the roots of that impossible bar go back to our very first relationship, the one with our mother.

If you’re ready to go deeper, click here to see my upcoming training courses or click here to access past recordings.